This is the third recognition of a poem I once wrote called "Blue Rose Midnight". I haven't posted a poem in a while and thought it was high-time I attempted to get something out there poetry-wise.
lay down the rose
she lingers in the blue rose moonlight – serenading herself with lovers tunes,
melody and harmony, warp and weft; waiting, just waiting
for the white knight to trove her castle built for two.
every hope fastened on this white knight brocade. he who has yet to brave the dark wood
and the evil witch. a maleficent who does not feed children to her dogs, or lock them
in cages. just some woman maleficent who thinks queen and revels in the taste of
fear melting fervor.
she sways in the blue rose midnight - visions of that white knight
and his steed—shining ivory in the light. his bounded hands
twined with clemency and compassion, his chivalrous heart stitched into
a white tippet brocade.
she imagines him to be her Galahad swathed in holy glory, and that
she is the golden womb he drinks immortality from.
her facets vaunt imachinations; deodands like silk coverings
on his fable scars. true to her royal coat-of-arms, he has endured the woods
and tricked the witch, and all for his lady of waiting, silhouetted
by the blue before morning.
even when reality masks her loyalty - she suffuses the dust with singing; all the
marks of love through parted lips. this fashionable cognition blots out further
contemplation, demanding that she should settle, believing that he may still come
to lay down the rose.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Thank you all for the critiques, mes amis.
Amelia,
That was actually the new stuff that I changed at the last minute, thanks for pointing out how confusing it is.
Rigel,
I almost want to leave those words all in because of how it sounds and the meaning behind harsh consonant sounds.
Pros,
Who told you that lie? Capitalization of the first letter of every line isn't a rule in poetry, it's one of those style things, perhaps archetypal, but not a strict rule. Just so you know.
About the queen, well basically it was for story telling purposes and for the allusion to Sleeping Beauty and Hansel and Gretel.
Thanks again, all.
Chowder,
Cal.
Overall, this was very good. Just remember in poetry, This first letter of every line should be capitalized.
The rhythym was all over the place. Perhaps it was intentional, or I'm just not reading it right, but it makes the poem hard to follow.
I thought this opening stanza was a good one. It introduced the poem perfectly, and gave the reader an insight into what will follow.
Uhm, I think that there is something a bit odd with queen here. It doesn't really fit. Maybe it's some of the other words around it, but it just doesn't sound right.
Overall, like I said, I thought the poem was very well written. I think with a little bit of tweaking, this could be publishing material.
Good luck, and I hope to read this again,
Pros
I got chills when I read that. I'm a sucker for good alliteration.
I normally shy away from formless poetry, but I liked this one. A lot. Ever since I was in Into the Woods I've liked fractured fairy tales, and the most perfect word I can find to describe this is "fresh." It's a fresh take, and all the words are clear and blue and refreshingly cool. It reminds me of some of the songs from the musical "Spring Awakening."
There's a few things here that could be improved, but it's just wording.
That feels too wordy. Take out "fashionable", "cognition" or "contemplation." You have room for one or two of those in there.
I became a little lost because everything after a point was filtered through a "she thought" or "she imagined" or something, where I think you could weave those in and out 'round the middle of the poem. I like how it begins rather concrete, the girl is sitting there, singing, and then it kind of floats away on this mental journey [I like in these lines: "she sways in the blue rose midnight - visions of that white knight/ and his steed—shining ivory in the light. his bounded hands" the rhyme of midnight/knight/light; I think it makes it lovely and flow-y], but it seems to only half come back to reality in the end. Narrative-wise, it does, I think. But the words chosen are still a bit flow-y and while I like them and the image they create, I don't think that they lend themselves to reality as much as they did in the first stanza [musical reference (I don't know if you're musical or not...let me know if it doesn't make sense for you): it's like when you have a crescendo followed immediately by a decrescendo, most people can crescendo fine, but decrescendoing back to the original dynamic is not often done]
Lovely image!
This was a confusing stanza; whereas before, you had used more or less complete sentences or phrases, this was alot of sentence fragments.